We spoke about books we are currently reading. I was surprised to hear that he is devouring Cunningham's A Home At The End Of The World and loves it while I am struggling through Saviano's Gomorrah partially because I am reading three other books at the same time.
I finished the cleanse and am slightly relieved to say the least. I will not type the words that I regret that I did it. It is not like that. I certainly took from it a higher consciousness of what I am digesting, taking into my body and how I can be more responsible and feel better. Going without food makes the senses more keen. But that being said, there is nothing like food for the soul as well as for the body. The toxins are still coming out though as my face has broken out with some sort of rash coincidentally as I did this cleanse. I am going to ride it out and ingest juices and fruits today as a means to continue the cleanse but with a bit more substance and nutrients.
Tak (left and above, between the two of us), our great friend and the one who presided over our ceremony in August, sent us this email today:
May it be sweet milk,
I woke up this morning an hour and a half before I was supposed to. This normally would not be a problem except my alarm clock was scheduled to go off at 5:00 A.M. so that I could prepare the day's concoction before heading off to work.
At 3:30, I was shaken by the turning of my own stomach and knew that it was time again to head to the toilet. Keeping my eyes closed hoping that this action would somehow prolong the sleep mode I was just in, I perched out of necessity and let the salt water flushes and senna teas and "lemonades" do their job.
I have to say that after five days I was hoping that I would see more substantial results coming from my stool. But so far, it's not much to describe. I fear that perhaps I am not doing it correctly. But like most directional projects, I become rather anal in following them as closely as possible for fear I will mess things up if not done properly.
Overall, I feel good. My first day back was yesterday and I had an amazing amount of energy. I was not lethargic and lackluster like I can typically feel throughout the day. But that makes sense: I am not gorging myself on every food item nor diluting myself with various coffee drinks and soda within the eight hours that I would normally be there.
That being said, I still want food. Yesterday and today have been very challenging for me. Continuously presented in the face of large portions of oozing goodness, things that I would normally not think twice about shoving in my mouth, is testing my convictions. Deep down I know that I am not going to cave. All I need to do is walk over to my pre-made bev and I am fine a few seconds later.
According to what I have been reading, it is not that I really want food. These are simply cravings that I am having. Psychological associations to eating. What sounds good? Absolutely everything. Items I would normally not even try make my mouth water.
In reality though I am looking forward to that very large green salad that is beckoning me. The reading suggests that these cravings are a part of the cleansing process and will be eliminated with the next bowel movement or two. If not, the next five days are going to be hell, I know that for sure.
I have read that whatever toxins that are showing themselves in the form of irritability or headaches or whatever other form typically forgo their hold on the body upon the next elimination (usually the following morning).
The sleep was not as restful after the first night but after I did another salt water flush on Day 2 and discovered neon yellow waste, the symptoms from the following day vanished.
I will admit that I had some irritability as well yesterday but the headaches have completely subsided (at least for now). And yesterday I was able to function and move about, take care of errands, read without much thought to food.
I did have some moments, especially last night when I went to see a film with Tak and I smelled the overpowering flavor of buttery, salty popcorn infiltrating every fiber and molecule of the movie house, that I wanted to eat. But I merely sipped a bit from my water and it always seemed to pass. I was treated to be able to watch Ashes of Time Redux by Wong Kar Wai. He is a master and how he and his crew do the cinematography is absolutely stunning, not to mention the exquisite story and acting. What I noticed as well was how impeccable the lighting was throughout the film. A must see. (Here's an interview with WKW about the remaking of the film).
I recall sitting on the couch yesterday and feeling an overwhelming feeling of vitality and serenity. It is like my body is lighter and feels very secure with itself at the moment. I was speaking to Tak about some things and I felt like I was completely in tune with what he was saying. I did not have any distractions. My mind was not dwelling on several other issues like it normally is.
I am not saying this is some sort of panacea but I am simply explaining the feelings and emotions that I am experiencing.
I slept like a baby last night. My sleep is magical.
Now I am into Day Three and the day is in front of me and I feel ready to take it on. No work today so I think I'm going to go see another movie. One more week of this cleanse. Hmm.
Fortunately and by no coincidence I arranged this cleansing to run parallel to having two (possibly three) days off in a row to kick off the fasting.
Food cravings popped into my head randomly as a last ditch effort. It made me focus on the fact that I use food to fill in the time. To overcome boredom. Have nothing else to do? Eat. Want to hang out? Let's go eat. Food, even when I'm not really that hungry. I passed by one of my favorite Thai restaurants and almost cried after I realized I instinctively just about set foot in the door to order some Pad Thai. It was almost a subconcious move.
That's what life has been like usually. Have an need? Fill it. Whether that "it" comes in the form of food or drinking, smoking or some other non-beneficial behavior. A lifetime of reaction and placation. Not much room for deliberation and reasoned thinking. Life has been really nothing but a non-ending fun-filling experience. And I'm getting to the point where I'm not sure that's what life is about on any serious level. Not that life should not be enjoyable. But there are responsible and important things to take into consideration. Like other people and my own health. Moving away from flippancy and The Peter Pan Syndrome.
I actually craved Blue Water Seafood Market and Grill. The Sea Bass sandwich that I had last time with Niamh on the day that she got her new apartment. And I don't really even eat fish.
Perhaps I will after the fast is over. I spent a lot of time yesterday seriously contemplating my diet. Mostly deliberating over what I dislike about the current trends and frankly why I am on this cleanse in the first place. A life of grease-soaked fried shit. Bacon (which I love). Meat, meat, meat. Very little vegetables. Some fruits. Coffee, tea, alcohol, cigarettes. Not that I digest the latter, but the point is that my diet is essentially garbage.
I picked up several books on vegetarianism. I do not know if this is what I want to do, but at least I want to study it more to understand if it is a viable option for me. I believe the reason that I don't pursue this food lifestyle is out of ignorance and because I look at food as such a creature comfort. Not something that will prolong my life or energy but something that subsists the moment that I am in. That is the integral problem: Non-Thinking. Merely going with what I was raised to eat. I was brought up to be a Jehovah's Witness being fed spiritual garbage all of my life. It makes sense that I would be physically fed the same. But I no longer succumb to the doctrines of the religious sect. Yet perhaps I still succumb to the food aspect because of some sort of deranged penance. Do I have dark areas of guilt for not being a part of the religion? Do I feel that perhaps I do not deserve better? I'm not sure I think this way consciously. In fact, this is the first time I have really thought about it. Perhaps on some deeper, non-conscious way I am acting out in this way.
I texted Niamh yesterday with three words: I AM HUNGRY.
She wrote back: NO YOU'RE NOT. DRINK MORE LEMONADE AND KEEP YOUR HANDS BUSY.
Both Niamh and Sarah are doing this as well. They reported that they were physically fine yesterday. I am a day behind them but felt by 9:00 P.M like utter shit. I could hardly see anything my head hurt so intensely. I was finishing the third season of Grey's Anatomy, another vice that I have allowed myself to get involved with. I began to watch season four and shut it off after about fifteen minutes.
Why am I wasting my time like this? What benefit are these series benefiting me? I am giving up my time because I am bored and because it is again another comfort that I have put myself into. Following lives of fictional people that I do not even like. Maybe this cleanse will be flushing out more than my bowel. Perhaps it will also be flushing the head junk as well. At any rate I have this sudden disgust for that show and the others that I have been watching on a regular basis.
What's next?
no photos today. just the beginning of an effort to record the physicality and emotional repercussions of doing The Master Cleanse, a ten-day detoxifying process which eliminates eating anything and surviving simply on a lemon-syrup-cayenne pepper based drink and a salt water flush every morning.
i have heard about this "diet" in the past but have been skeptical and out right scared considering it means giving up something that i hold very dear: food.
but i also know that of late i have been very toxic and ill more than i usually am. besides all of this, i have recently completed two weeks of staying away from cigarettes and want to rid my body of the residuals of that pathetic practice.
in a nut shell, just want to be healthier both physically and spiritually. some might find this a bit nutty, a bit california health freak. and this has also been a reason why i have hesitated to do it.
in the long run, i don't really care what anyone thinks. it is my body and i am feeling the need to do this at this juncture in time. at the most, it is only ten days and if it proves to be beneficial, then i have done something very positive for my physical goals. if it turns out to be disadvantageous it will soon be over anyway.
so far i have done my first salt water flush this morning and began the liquid diet. the concoction of water with the cayenne, maple and lemon juice surprisingly does not taste as bad as it may sound. i kind of like the spice. of course to compensate for the lack of eating, the amount to intake is rather substantial. from my reading, i am supposed to drink one ounce for every two pounds of body mass. if i remember correctly (and not having a scale handy), i am around 140#...so to intake 70 ounces of this stuff is probably going to be the biggest challenge.
no different feelings at the present time. i feel encouraged to do it and almost like i am on a spiritual journey of sorts in the realm of a fad diet. i am on the outset looking at this as a opportunity to change dramatically my eating patterns which i believe have a large portion of effect on how i feel and behave on a daily basis. i feel clogged and almost slothlike both mentally and physically. and i just do not want to approach my days in this way anymore.
more to come.
no photos today. just the beginning of an effort to record the physicality and emotional repercussions of doing The Master Cleanse, a ten-day detoxifying process which eliminates eating anything and surviving simply on a lemon-syrup-cayenne pepper based drink and a salt water flush every morning.
i have heard about this "diet" in the past but have been skeptical and out right scared considering it means giving up something that i hold very dear: food.
but i also know that of late i have been very toxic and ill more than i usually am. besides all of this, i have recently completed two weeks of staying away from cigarettes and want to rid my body of the residuals of that pathetic practice.
in a nut shell, just want to be healthier both physically and spiritually. some might find this a bit nutty, a bit california health freak. and this has also been a reason why i have hesitated to do it.
in the long run, i don't really care what anyone thinks. it is my body and i am feeling the need to do this at this juncture in time. at the most, it is only ten days and if it proves to be beneficial, then i have done something very positive for my physical goals. if it turns out to be disadvantageous it will soon be over anyway.
so far i have done my first salt water flush this morning and began the liquid diet. the concoction of water with the cayenne, maple and lemon juice surprisingly does not taste as bad as it may sound. i kind of like the spice. of course to compensate for the lack of eating, the amount to intake is rather substantial. from my reading, i am supposed to drink one ounce for every two pounds of body mass. if i remember correctly (and not having a scale handy), i am around 140#...so to intake 70 ounces of this stuff is probably going to be the biggest challenge.
no different feelings at the present time. i feel encouraged to do it and almost like i am on a spiritual journey of sorts in the realm of a fad diet. i am on the outset looking at this as a opportunity to change dramatically my eating patterns which i believe have a large portion of effect on how i feel and behave on a daily basis. i feel clogged and almost slothlike both mentally and physically. and i just do not want to approach my days in this way anymore.
more to come.
it was four years ago on this weekend that my entire outlook on life began to metamorphose into something peculiar, unfamiliar yet euphoric.
i have had relationships before. nothing this long or quite as intense. never have i travelled all over the world to be with one person. i swore last time i moved to be with someone that i would not do it again. but this was an exception i could not pass up.
not that it has been easy. some of the time, even what may seem like most, there have been disagreements and petty arguments that go on. but all i have to do is look at his face or glance at his beautiful hands and hold that body of his that seems to naturally fall perfectly into mine and any anxieties or tensions seem to vanish, to dissipate as if they were never apparent.
i have many things to be thankful for on this day of reflection. despite media pressures to feel consumed with anxiety over what is going on a global scale financially or personally with our attempts to apply for the visa that seem to breed a whole range of uncertainties and concerns, the positives outweigh anything in that other list.
i know that i am not with him right now. but every night as i hold my pillow i imagine that it is him, that he is directly next to me. which he is and always will be no matter where we are physically.
one day soon this will be behind us and we will begin to build the life together that we have been speaking about for so very long.
above all other aspects to be grateful for, this enduring love is the ultimate gift that i cherish. i thank life that love can be this good.
and i thank that man halfway across the globe for his unconditional love over the last four years.
you are beyond words.
thnx.
Probably one of the best places to be in London. Even if it is raining and gray. It really doesn't matter.
So what have you been up to since you've been here? has been a very common, straightforward inquiry into a not-so-ordinary visit to Her Majesty's Island.
Apart from the typical response of museum exhibits (must see: Francis Bacon and if you're a Rothko fan, the exhibit is well done. Wouldn't bother with the Cold War Modern Design 1945-1970 exhibit as it seems a bit of a hodge-podge collection of things seen many, many times before) and strolls along the Southbank, pub crawls and curry, I inevitably get the double-take shock when I confidently tell them that after being in London for only a few days, we managed to secure a place of our own.
In a city where the flat shares and rentals surge with the same pace as the Thames, it is no surprise that the selection can often be likened to the drops that make up that same river: vast and dirty. That was our first impression when we travelled to the south to simply get an idea of what we should or shouldn't be looking for.
Bringing Chris along as support and for an unbiased, much needed third opinion, we ventured into New Cross Gate, an area not too far from Greenwich and a quick train ride from London Bridge Station. Elizabeth sounded very excited to meet us over the phone and the photos that we observed on the flat share website seemed promising. However, much like going on a first date with someone you meet from an internet-based socioromantic site, the initial excitement usually wears off when confronted with the physicality of what seems to be anything but what you have witnessed in the photos. How old was that person when the picture was taken? Was it airbrushed or did s/he have a life-altering experience in the last six months that has brought about the wrinkles and thinning hair not so evident from their profile? At exactly which angle did that person take the images of the room? It looked so clean and tidy in the photos. Certainly first impressions are important here, aren't they? Upon entering Elizabeth's flat, it took my much practised nighttime jaw clenching to keep from gasping at the toilet that she was claiming to be the living room-cum-kitchen-cum-dining room-cum-pantry area.
Apart from the tornado appearance of the arena, the guide seemed rather disshevled herself. Once we entered and after exchanging the proper introductory salutations, she proceeded to tell us that she had just gotten out of the shower (thus, wet hair brushing against shoulders leaving a damp residue) and wasn't wearing any underwear (thus...?).
Here's the pantry, she exclaimed as though she was the eager real estate agent going in for the kill. It's a bit of a mess (this she said, pointing at the mile-high debris pile conveniently hidden behind closed doors) but we'll take care of that. "We" as in the often attributed schizophrenic tendency people use when they have the Legion complex.
Up ahead is the shower, I heard her explain as I followed her up the stairs without trying to follow her panty-less behind. I just took out the black hairs from the drain. Her swarm of inappropriate remarks began to collect larger than the refuse we found in the first floor pantry.
You notice that the floors are cement. I had noticed but tried to forget about it. That's for the frequent parties that I like to have. You know, so no one spills alcohol on the carpet and makes and even bigger mess!, she giggled with a combination of self-adulation and flagellation. Oh! By the way! If you ever need a DJ for a party, just let me know!
I'm so excited at the prospect of having two gay men to live with! I just love gay men!!! And I love Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female, but just on the little monitor that I can easily stop at any moment.
I suppose, at the end of it, the three of us had a few laughs. We also wished her good luck (not within ear shot, of course) as undoubtedly some 19 year-old gay twink will come across it and unashamedly say YES!!!
We then headed to Greenwich for a much needed beer after the experience. And that was at noon.
Although we had another appointment that evening, the two of us were on the verge of bailing on the scheduled viewing exclusively for fear that this would be simply a repetition on a theme. In the end, though, we felt the need to at least have a gander with no intentions of securing a place. After all, Pierre had already mentioned that we could stay with him for a couple of months and that would give us enough time to really seek something that was to our liking.
Then we saw it. 18 Ansdell Road, Nunhead, SE15. The street was quiet and unassuming. Peaceful even. The two-story building housed two other women who seemed grateful to see us while actually seeming rather at ease and relaxed with themselves and their place. After seeing the room which had more closet space than we probably would ever need, the washer and dryer, dishwasher, gargantuan back yard, I was ready to move in. Besides the contract is for six months. We can then decide to leave if we so choose. Plenty of time to assess where we want to be and for which reasons: to be closer to friends or work? Or perhaps we will just fall in love with it and never want to leave. At least, that is, for another six months.
And as grateful as we are to Pierre and the others for the ample hospitality, squatting at The Enterprise House for a couple of months is not quite what is in the plan, especially since there needs to be proof of accomodation whilst in London for the visa process.
Oh, the visa process. Coming to a theatre near you...
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